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16 entries this month
17:29 Aug 31 2009
Times Read: 759
I think I'm over what happened the other night. Of course I still don't like what he did but thinking about it only serves to give him more power and stress me out even more.
03:43 Aug 29 2009
Times Read: 801
FUCKING FAGGOTS!
My date....went to the "bathroom" and never came back. In the middle of the movies, he gets up leaves, and takes my stuff with him.
I'm through with all of this shit.
06:23 Aug 28 2009
Times Read: 810
So I have a date of sorts for tomorrow. Dinner, movie (District 9) and that's all we've planned so far.
I also need to get my hair cut, I'm thinking something short, messy and kinda spiky.
Well, goodnight all!
04:40 Aug 28 2009
Times Read: 815
I think I need some plastic surgery, at least some fat injections under my eyes or just a basic eye job, veneers, maybe something with my ears, a nose job, laser hair removal and one or two other things.
05:29 Aug 26 2009
Times Read: 838
I am really excited! For the past 4 years my nephew has wanted to be home schooled. He's always tired of dealing with the trash in public schools, not learning enough, jerks and not being able to spend more time with family. He's even started to had emotional break downs, anxiety, nausea etc.
Well today he actually asked his dad if *I* could home school him! His dad said no and his mom had said in the past that home schoolers made the worst grades (she learned this little "fact" at a public school function of course). Nothing could be further from the truth.
I was home schooled, I was taking college classes when I was 15 and I had already graduated one university by the time I was 18.
So, I'll be doing some talking of my own and showing them what a real fact and statistic looks like :)
I think that things will work out, I even pulled out some books I had and gathered around 20 of them on every single subject you would learn in school for the 6-8th grades. My nephew just started the 7th.
Hope this works out, a lot. It would do so much for him and myself, being able to teach someone, go out around town, trips etc.
Here's to possibility*
04:02 Aug 25 2009
Times Read: 845
So I've been thinking (I know bad idea). I've had GI problems for most of my life but they were pretty rare only causing an issue every month or so and they never lasted that long.
Since I've been on pain meds of course part of the problem has gotten worse but I've also been having a lot of new, horrible issues. It's been a quality of life problem for about 2 years. Now, the past few months things actually have gotten better in regards to my GI system but they're still very bothersome.
Being on methadone not only causes that but it can also really mess up your heart, especially the longer it's used...9 months for me.
I'm really getting tired of it. Methadone does a decent job with the pain but because of the related side-effects it's made "having a life" pretty tough. I'd love to get a job, be able to go back to my old diet, stop taking the 2 pills just for the side effects of this one and reclaim my life as it was, at least as much as possible. (fully reclaiming it is impossible since well, hello I have a disease! lol)
Anyway, I was thinking about doing 1 of 2 things and maybe both just to see. All of course under the direction of my doctors.
The first is to get off methadone completely over the next few weeks (it can take some time to do it safely) and see if it takes care of the bulk of my GI issues AND see just how bad the pain really is now since the 2+ years I've been on some sort of heavy medication.
The second is try and switch over to a different medication. While I still have some pretty bad pain at times on methadone over-all it's done the best job so far. On a scale of 1-10 I give it a 7, which isn't bad. I really want to find a way of decreasing the GI side effects and heart problems that have/might come up. Plus I don't like having to take 3 pills a day of the same thing.
So that leaves me with only sustained release forms of a FEW medicines. Most are fairly costly but at this point I'm willing to try it out and if it doesn't work we can always go right back to methadone (and hopefully by that point my tolerance would have been lowered so I could return to a lower dosage).
The 2 meds that come to mind are Oxycontin (the long lasting form of oxycodone which I was one for a year+) and Duragesic (fentanyl patches). I mean what I'm on now is 3x as strong as morphine so it's not like I'd be making that much of a leap but HOW they work and their effects are different and might be better.
I'll be talking to my dr the 4th about all of this and see what happens. All I know is I'm ready for some kind of better life than I have now and one big hindrance are the side effects relating to my current pain medication. Plus IF these issues can be resolved, even slightly, it'll play a huge role in helping me with anxiety, panic attacks and depression.
We'll see I suppose.
On a totally unrelated note, I'm only 1 week away from my 3rd anniversary on here *yay* :)
05:14 Aug 24 2009
Times Read: 865
It's a bad day when the person you thought was your best friend, the person you literally gave a home, education and career to, the person you opened your entire self up to places you on the low end of importance. Forgets you and treats you like everyone else.
I knew this day would come, I just didn't think it would be when I'm fighting a disease.
10:20 Aug 22 2009
Times Read: 882
Just found out today that my grandfather has an inoperable aneurysm in his main aortic arch (the part that connects directly to his heart).
This basically means he could die at any point from a rupture, causing him to bleed to death well before help could arrive. Over the course of his life he's had 2 open heart surgeries and he still smokes so the risk of this happening was a possibility. Just wasn't expecting *this*.
To put it into perspective if it were to fully rupture it would be like a water hose on full pouring out blood.
So I'm kind freaked.
Your thoughts and prayers are always welcome.
16:32 Aug 21 2009
Times Read: 897
I'd actually like to start a memorial site for all the folks who died last June (as I call it 'Black June'). You know Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Farrah Fawcett and others.
Just to have a small place online for all of them and all of the people they touched/helped over the past 80 some odd years that their lives covered.
But I'm just not sure about it...
01:09 Aug 18 2009
Times Read: 944
I have such darkness inside. When I look into my eyes all I see is black. I'm so complicated!
hehe
01:37 Aug 12 2009
Times Read: 966
I went and bought a new lot of coins today. Spent about 2 hours going through everything and making sure I got the best they had.
I got 12 Morgan silver dollars with dates ranging from 1878-1900, 14 Liberty Head Nickels 1899-1912, 8 Mercury Dimes 1940-1945, 3 silver Six Pence, 3 silver Florins from the 1920's, 6 German coins from 1875-1942 (4 of them are Nazi coins) a British Penny 1919 and Half-Penny 1935 as well as an 1857 10 Centesimi from Italy.
I'm really wanting to buy a lot more silver coins from the UK, Florins, Crowns etc but I don't know of anyone (other than myself) who collects them.
All in all not a bad day.
11:13 Aug 10 2009
Times Read: 983
I was asleep, then had some odd spasm and bit my tongue till it bled. Here are some thoughts..
I don't understand this.
I started watching the show Mad Men not to long ago, well after the series began. At first I wasn't aware that it was a show about the male dominated world of advertising during its golden age around a half century ago. So of course there are very few (if any) blacks, the women aren't equals and the world is this dreadful place of capitalism and hush hush affairs.
Personally I really like the show and it seems so does most of America and critics. Not because of it's sexist tones but because of it's production, dialog etc.
My issue/question what have you is this, I haven't heard of anyone being offended by the show even though women have been suppressed for thousands of years longer than any race and the show is far from culturally diverse yet when someone accidentally or jokingly using the word 'nigger' or some other similar word, they're crucified. Granted many know that the show is set in the past but then why are so many other shows FROM the past banned or censored? It doesn't make sense to me.
Perhaps I'm the one with the problem?
Finally, being that this is my journal I'm can use it to "think out loud" all I want. Being that my family is Scottish and that I support 100% Scottish independence is it wrong for me to (and why would I?) have some odd sense of allegiance to the Queen? Especially since I was born in the US..
Back to sleep maybe, at least my tongue stopped bleeding.
22:29 Aug 09 2009
Times Read: 996
Finally! My internet is fixed :) Al he had to do was increase signal strength by 8 db. It seems the last person to work on the box (Friday) didn't exactly know what they were doing.
Kourt- I can't wait to see you!!!!!!!!
11:58 Aug 08 2009
Times Read: 1,039
Please take a listen to this recording of myself. It's embedded so it'll start automatically. Never mind the content just give me your honest opinion of my voice.
A few years ago I thought about starting a newsletter focusing on science, philosophy, history and a few other topics. I wanted it to be in both the written and recorded forms. But, I never cared all that much for the way I sounded using basic recorders so I never went through with the idea. If you all think that my voice is tolerable then I may continue on. After-all I do love to teach folks and bring up interesting topics.
While at the store today I ran across an old ex-friend from several years ago. I'm not entirely sure why she and I stopped being friends but I do remember that it was during my cocaine period so it was probably a good reason. Of course I haven't used illicit drugs in a very long time. We talked for maybe 3 minutes and it was highly awkward. I only mention this because that was about the most "exciting" part of my day lol.
Ok, so back to biz. No making fun of me but if you don't like my voice please say so and if you do leave comments also.
05:01 Aug 05 2009
Times Read: 1,114
Are you Vegan? Yes
Are you pro-choice? Yes
So abortion is fine but eating an egg is cruel? Did I miss something here? *sigh* what a crazy world.
It's official, I now have a new pain dr! :) This makes me very happy. Instead of having to drive 45 miles one way now all I have to do is go to the other side of town and they're $100 cheaper which is uber nice lol.
20:41 Aug 01 2009
Times Read: 1,131
Ok, so I've been sorta "missing in action" for a while. I got pretty sick the other day and actually lost 4lbs in less than 10 hours...not fun. So I've been doing a lot of sleeping and such. Haven't gained any back and my legs still feel like they're broken in 12 places but at least I'm eating again.
The next few days are going to be real busy, that is IF I can get a ride. I'll be finishing up with my old pain dr and then switching to a new one here in town. I'm seriously nervous about it to be honest after all it took 18 months and $15 grand (testing etc) to finally have some basic but real pain relief and I'm not wanting to end up starting all over. I explained my situation to the new dr and they said things would be ok but you never know...you know?
So that's that.
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